Rodney Dangerfield

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

*************With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.***************I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

**************My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

***********It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

***************Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

******A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

***************A hooker once told me she had a headache.

****************If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.******I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

******My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

*******I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning

.**********The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

********** My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

*****I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

*************My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

**************My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

*********My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

***************It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

****************I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

*************I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

*****************I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

****************I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

****************When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

******************I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

**************I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

********************Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

*******************My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

*************I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

*******************I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

*****************I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

*************Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

***********************One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

************************My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.


THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD