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Texas, United States


Things Actually Said In A Court Of Law

These are from statements people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said
                 to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your      
                 memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of     

                  something you forgot?

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person    
                  dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
                  until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was
Witness: Are you shittin' me?
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
                  August 8th? 
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh....I was gettin' laid?
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.

Attorney: Were there any girls?

Witness: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose it was?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or female?

Witness: Guess

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you  
                 performed on dead people?

Witness: All my autopsies were performed on dead
                people. Would you like to rephrase that?

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30.

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time"

Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
                            was doing an autopsy on him.
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy did
                 you check for a pulse?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
                  when you began the autopsy.
Witness: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been
                 alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he was alive and
                  practicing law.                  
Apparently court can be entertaining.


Optimistic Existentialist said...

LOL court can be entertaining indeed!! :)

DMS said...

These are too funny! My favorites are the ones with the snarky comments back- especially about the autopsies. :) Thanks for sharing!

Anna Maria said...

Glad you enjoyed it Optimistic. I got a got LOL out of it.

Anna Maria said...

Thanks Jess...I suppose there are a lot of autopsy reports in trials and witness's do get aggravated with dumb questions. They are some good retorts. Have a great weekend!


Too darn funny. These are the kinds of things I would ask/say and I don't even have a license to practice law. :)

Anna Maria said...

Grace, every time I was on jury duty and they explained the charges, and then asked if you had any opinions, I always had to raise my hand and of course I got eliminated. Probably a good thing, I always figured by then the defendant was guilty as sin.