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Texas, United States


Texas Chili Cook-Off

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. We actually have a chili cook-off about the time  Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted"
Here are the scorecards from the event (Frank is Judge # 3)

Chili # 1-Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge # 1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3-What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint on my driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. (These Texans are crazy!)
Chili # 2--Austin's Afterburner Chile

Judge # 1--Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3--Ronny's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili  

Judge # 1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3--Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer.

Chili # 4--Dave's Black Magic

Judge # 1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2--Hint of lime in the back beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chile #5--Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge# 1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2--Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3--My ear are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges keep asking me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chile # 6--Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7--Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers,

Judge # 2--Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. *I'm worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in distress as he is cussing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they will know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway, if I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8--Karen's Toenail Curling Chile

Judge # 1--The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence. 

Judge # 2--This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when 
Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he would have reacted to REALLY hot chili?



DMS said...

Too funny! I bet the chili is hotter in Texas! I will know not to step in as a judge if I am ever around during the chili cook-off! I bet the cook-off is something fun to try! :)

Anna Maria said...

Jess...when I read this, I had to laugh knowing how popular hot peppers are in Texas, especially in San Antonio where I live. I think that fondness comes from living so close to Mexico, less than 100 miles and the Mexicans do love their hot peppers. We are known world wide for our Tex-Mex food and there are countless small and large restaurants that specialize in it and they almost all start you off with free chips and hot salsa. Peppers are actually quite good for you with lots of nutrients and fiber. I grow jalapenos and chili peppers and usually stick with those that are considered medium hot. There are some that are hundreds, if not thousands of times hotter. The chili and barbecue cook-offs are as much about beer as they are about the food and I don't care for beer so I don't go anymore but they used to be fun to attend. There are lots of fun folks that always show up.

Stephanie Faris said...

Hilarious!!! For me, the problem is anytime I eat something super hot, it numbs my tastebuds and I can't taste anything else from that point forward. So I'm pretty much out of the running for any kind of tasting like that! I don't like beer, so that wouldn't tempt me. I can do those Lime-a-Rita things--some places have those now for the people who like something sweeter.

Anna Maria said...

Stephanie...I think it must be a slowly acquired taste. I didn't like hot peppers when I was a child, but love all kinds of hot sauce now and make enchiladas, tacos, and jalapeno laced guacamole quite often, even though I do like something cold to drink with it. Margarita's made with a sweet lime drink and tequila are a San Antonio favorite also, and I do like to sip on those with hot kinda numbs the burning and makes you feel it's all worthwhile. :)